


Sympathetic Intervention

by ncfan



Category: Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magika | Puella Magi Madoka Magica
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergence, Canon Relationship, Communication Failure, F/M, For Want of a Nail, Friendship, Gen, In Spite of a Nail, Love Triangles, Mid-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-23
Updated: 2012-09-24
Packaged: 2017-11-12 17:42:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/493944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ncfan/pseuds/ncfan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"She really likes you." AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Bowing Out Gracefully

**Author's Note:**

> Let me emphasize that this is firmly AU. Part of what I liked about Hitomi in the canon was that she didn't home in on the boy she had a crush on with no regard for the feelings of her friend who had a crush on him too, but neither did she simply just roll over and tell Sayaka "you can have him." Even if her attempt to take a third option caused a lot of problems, it was refreshing to see.
> 
> However, I find myself wondering what would have happened if what Hitomi had meant by her ultimatum was "You tell him how you feel or I will." In my honest opinion, not much would have changed plot-wise, but Hitomi's altered mentality seems interesting to explore, and I want to write how she got to be standing behind the stage while Kyousuke played the violin in episode 12.

Chapter One: _Bowing Out Gracefully_

" _Tomorrow, after school, I am going to confess to Kamijou-kun."_

She remembers the look that had come over Sayaka's face then, the way her skin had slackened in astonishment and a film of horror had glazed her usually confident eyes. She'd already looked like she was going to cry when Hitomi had told her that she liked Kyousuke, but when Hitomi said that, such a tremor went through her friend that, for a moment, her resolve had wavered.

But only for a moment.

" _Until then, you still have time to do something you won't regret. Like telling Kamijou-kun how you feel."_

She had bowed and left after that—Hitomi suspected that, by that point, she had overstayed her welcome and that Sayaka would likely prefer to be left alone with her feelings. Yes, that conflicted, reddening sickness on her cheeks was a sure sign that she wanted to be left alone. So Hitomi left. They didn't speak again for the rest of the day.

It's been a long day, continuing far after the conclusion of the school day. Shizuki Hitomi lies awake in the dark. Her bedcovers are not pulled over her. She had not bothered to undress. The only concession to slumber has been the removal of her tights; Hitomi finds that her bare skin prickles and feels exposed, even naked, without them. The wind whispers lightly against her window. Her fingers curl around a clutched stretch of blanket, and Hitomi sighs, the whole room seemingly filled with the pulsating sound of her breath.

Suddenly, she finds that she is dreading tomorrow.

On any other day, any other day at all, the only reason Hitomi would be dreading the coming day would be if she had a test. Be it in any of her school classes (especially Science; it's such a struggle to remember all those formulas), a piano piece she has to play from memory, demonstrating what flower arrangements would be most appropriate for what occasions, or be it that she finds herself going across the dance floor, anxiously counting her steps, these things can make her stomach twist and curl, even if she's sure she'll do well. She can find herself apprehensive for hours in advance, going over her notes or practicing in front of a classmate until they're sick of her worrying. But this, this she can not confide in anyone.

It takes three to make a love triangle. Even so, for the longest time only Hitomi was aware that said love triangle existed. Sayaka thought she was the only girl pining after Kyousuke. Kyousuke is, as of yet (unless he's much more observant than Hitomi has been led to believe), unaware that either of his friends harbor such feelings for him. _His_ feelings are a black box; for all that he seems unaware of just what's been going on around him, Kyousuke has not given so much as the slightest indication that he wouldn't be averse to dating one of them.

_What I wouldn't give for this to hurt less._ Her heart feels as though it might break from twisting itself into knots; funny how badly-abused this organ has become over the years, but usually it's fit to crumble from neglect.

The only pain comparable to this was the agonizing terror when Kyousuke first had his accident, and no one knew if he would live or die. She, Sayaka and Madoka had taken turns standing watch over his bed when there wasn't school and his parents couldn't be there. He looked so small in that bed, the drip of the IV and the steady tolling of the heart monitor all that broke the silence. She would look at him, pale and still and silent, covered in bandages, his injured hand lying mangled at his side, and Hitomi felt as though she would drown in her own withheld tears. The thought that he could die at any moment made her cold to her marrow.

Now that Kyousuke is back at school, his once-ruined arm miraculously healed, she can't wait anymore. It has to be soon. It's time to resolve this issue, once and for all.

Sayaka is Hitomi's closest friend. To see Sayaka in pain gives Hitomi no pleasure, none at all. She's watched Sayaka vacillate towards and away from revealing her feelings to Kyousuke for months, even years. Hitomi knows she's no better, but she also knows that Sayaka fears rejection. She prefers the eternal purgatory of never knowing to knowing, but not having the answer she wanted. She would spend the rest of eternity never knowing if Kyousuke felt the same way she did, just to avoid the pain of being rejected by him.

_That's where I come in. I suppose that in fairy tales and tales told by people to their friends, I'm the classic villainess, the home-wrecker. The wholesome tomboy has a crush on one of her best friends. But hark! A rival appears on the horizon, and she is everything the tomboy is not: girly, reserved, and almost stiflingly proper. She swoops in out of nowhere, and before the tomboy can even react, her crush has been stolen away from her._

_Well not this time._

Hitomi sets her jaw, struggling to steel her resolve. She doesn't see how reaching for her own happiness would make her the bad guy of the story; if Kyousuke feels the same for Sayaka as she does for him, then he's hardly going to agree to go out with Hitomi if she asks him to.

But at the same time, Hitomi knows that life goes on. Crushes come and go; some are forever and some simply aren't. She's known Sayaka longer than she has Kyousuke. She's not going to potentially ruin their friendship over a boy. If Kyousuke decides that he likes Sayaka better than Hitomi and that he'd like to go out with her, it'll hurt to see them together. Watching them walking home together, hand in hand, laughing at private jokes will feel like someone twisting the knife ever deeper in her heart, but it will pass. And at least she'll still have her friends.

Tomorrow afternoon, if Sayaka hasn't confessed her feelings to Kyousuke, Hitomi will confess for her.

For the first time, Hitomi feels properly cold, a chill making gooseflesh of her legs. She sheds her sweater and unpins her bow before pulling the covers up over her, propping on one shoulder so she can stare out the window. A few fat raindrops have splattered across the glass, the herald of another unenthusiastic April shower. She runs her teeth over her lip, almost drawing blood in her anxiety.

What she's proposed is so audacious, so presumptuous that she couldn't even manage to say it in outright terms to Sayaka. She likes to think that Sayaka understood the gist of what she was being told; maybe that's why she looked so gob-smacked as Hitomi walked away. Maybe she simply couldn't believe what she was hearing.

_Who am I to take another person's feelings into my own hands? Who am I to act on Sayaka-san's behalf without her permission? If I should be confessing on anyone's behalf, it should be_ mine. _And how pure are my motives, when I feels the same way about Kamijou-kun as she does?_

She can hardly believe she's doing this, trying to play matchmaker for an unwilling friend and sabotaging her own hopes at the same time. Hitomi wouldn't, except she's so tired of waiting, anticipating a climax that never comes. She just wants it to be over.

The thought of seeing Kyousuke and Sayaka together makes envy unfurl in her chest like a snake baring its venomous fangs. If that is tomorrow's outcome, she's not sure when that envy, however corrosive, will ever dissipate. But even that would be better than suspension in Limbo.

_Tomorrow. It ends tomorrow. She'll probably shout at me about it, and not talk to me for a while. But at least it will be over. I just hope Sayaka-san forgives me, however long that takes._

The specter of tomorrow looms larger than the most threatening storm cloud. Though Hitomi can't be sure, awake in the dark as she is, it feels as though the world is holding its breath.

Waiting.


	2. Cascade Effects

Sayaka never came to school today. She phoned in sick, saying that she wasn't feeling well and that she needed to stay in bed. Kazuko-sensei clucked her tongue in sympathy— _I understand completely; Of_ course _you can make up the work later, Sayaka._ Hitomi supposes that she's the only one in the class who understands the significance of Sayaka's absence; a twinge of guilt pierces her stomach, but she tries to ignore it. _It's for the best,_ she tells herself, over and over again. _This changes nothing._

All throughout the day, Hitomi is distracted. She can't concentrate on the lesson, even with Kazuko-sensei's usual entertaining theatrics. Instead, all she can do is stare at the empty space where Sayaka would have sat, her desk folded neatly away. What sort of face would she be wearing, if she was here today? The radiant face of one who has confessed successfully? The dejected mien of one who confessed her love but was shot down? Or perhaps the apprehensive visage of one who hasn't done anything yet, but keeps looking over at her friend and mouths _No, no, please don't,_ please _don't!_

 _It's for the best._ Hitomi squeezes her eyes shut, knuckles white and lips trembling. _She can't want to live like this any more than I do. She_ must _see that it's better this way. If she doesn't, I—_

The rest of the day goes on much like this. A sick sense of anticipation rises like bile in Hitomi's stomach. She doesn't eat any lunch, sure that she would be ill. She can barely concentrate on helping clean the classroom.

After the school day is done, Hitomi catches up to Kyousuke who, limping heavily on his crutches, is surrounded by a group of boys. "Kamijou-kun?" she calls to him, clutching her school bag self-consciously, but refusing to look anywhere but at his face. "Will you walk with me?" She nods towards the double doors.

Kyousuke's friends exchange knowing looks behind his back, but he ignores them. Instead, he nods. "Yeah." A small smile starts to tug at Kyousuke's lately so serious lips; struck with the twin sensations of nostalgia and longing, Hitomi can't help but give a small smile back, as though they're exchanging some sort of secret that only they know. _Oh, if only._ "Sure."

His crutches making muffled tapping sounds against the linoleum floor, Kyousuke breaks off from his group. He and Hitomi start towards the doors, and are soon drowned in the world.

-0-0-0-

Though it's only mid-afternoon, the city is awash in a gentle golden light. The windows gleam like burnished sheets of gold; dragonflies, lured by the warming weather, dart about, their wings sparkling like polished diamond. After last night's rain, the air is cool and moist.

The roar of rushing water ought to fill Hitomi's ears, but she barely hears it, and the spray from the waterfall hitting her skin doesn't register. Instead, her thoughts, ever-growing, contribute to the din in her head until she feels as though her skull will split.

Kyousuke's pace is slow and laborious, each step painstaking. That's alright; Hitomi has tea lessons tonight, but they don't start until seven, and this gives her more time to drum up her courage. Besides, Hitomi thinks to herself, trying to lighten the situation in her mind, it's simply not ladylike to walk so quickly.

She doesn't think Sayaka's confessed. If she had, she probably wouldn't have "gotten sick" and Kyousuke probably wouldn't have agreed to walk home, alone, with Hitomi so readily. _But what if I'm wrong?_ Hitomi worries at her lip anxiously. If Sayaka has confessed successfully, then Hitomi attempting to tell Kyousuke of Sayaka's feelings will be so painfully awkward. And if she confessed unsuccessfully, perhaps he will be irritated, and think that Sayaka put her up to this. _Quite the opposite. Oh, the irony if so!_

_And even if she hasn't done anything, what will he think of me, acting so forwardly? He'll think I'm such a horrible friend, bypassing Sayaka-san like that. What if Sayaka-san hasn't said anything, but Kamijou-kun still thinks I put her up to this? I don't want to ruin their friendship. …I just hope this goes well. As well as anything like this can go. And I hope… I hope he still thinks well of me after this._

At least Hitomi can keep take comfort in the fact that this would be all a lot worse if she was trying to confess on her own behalf. That would complicate matters even further.

Hitomi thinks Kyousuke's still on painkillers for his legs. That might explain why it takes him so long to remember that the waterfall and the river are not on the way home for Hitomi. "Shizuki-san," he says slowly, staring all around him, from the waterfall, to the railing, to the river below them. "This isn't the way to your house, is it?"

She draws a deep breath. "No." _Breathe. Keep your nerve._ "No it's not." Hands shaking as they cling to the handle of her bag, Hitomi takes a few steps in front of Kyousuke, and turns to face him, telling herself that she needs to look him in the eye as she does this.

Kyousuke looks at her, brow drawn up in surprise, and Hitomi feels her heart catch in her throat. _Now or never._ "Actually, there was something I wanted to talk to you about, Kamijou-kun."

They go sit on a bench with a view of the waterfall, the river at their backs. Kyousuke seems glad to be off his feet; he draws in deep breaths like a drowning man released from the water once he sits. He sneaks a glance at her; Hitomi herself is silent, steeling herself. "So… What did you want to talk about?"

The play's already started; it's too late to simply pull the curtains shut and pretend nothing's happened. "About Sayaka-san, actually."

At once, Kyousuke becomes more guarded. _Is that a sign?_ "What about her?"

"You and Sayaka-san have been friends for a long time, haven't you?"

He leans back into the bench, his face still guarded. "Yeah, ever since Sayaka's family moved here. Our dads work together." Kyousuke looks at her suddenly, his glass gray eyes piercing; Hitomi blushes in spite of herself. "Shizuki-san, why are you asking me this? You already know all that, right?"

Another deep breath. "She likes you."

Kyousuke frowns, confused. "'She likes me?' Of course she likes me. We couldn't be friends if she _didn't_ like me."

If he really is this oblivious, then Hitomi finds it both adorable and depressing. If he's faking his ignorance, then it's adorable and just a little vexing. Either way, Hitomi shakes her head. "She _really_ likes you," she says, carefully enunciating every syllable.

For a moment, Kyousuke stares at her blankly. _Why are the pretty ones always so dumb when it comes to love? He's like the protagonist of a shonen manga._ Then, the full meaning of Hitomi's words sink in. "Oh," he says flatly.

They sit in silence, Hitomi running her finger over the hem of her skirt and Kyousuke's hands gripped atop his knees. _Did I do the right thing?_ she wonders. The moment of confession has passed, but Hitomi doesn't feel any better; if anything, the din in her skull has only grown louder, and now finds itself accompanied by a churning in her stomach, the hellish duet.

Finally, Kyousuke breaks his silence. "Why did you tell me that?" he asks, just as flat as before. Hitomi flinches at the dull, unpolished look in his eyes.

"Sayaka-san didn't tell me to do this," Hitomi defends her friend, worried that that might be wear Kyousuke's train of thought was leading. "I came to this decision myself."

"I didn't think she had." For once, it's Kyousuke who's filling the role of trying to calm someone down. Normally he would just sit back and watch the fireworks. "Sayaka's not the sort of girl to put people up to stuff like this. She'd just tell someone herself."

Not only is he oblivious to love, but he's also remarkably oblivious as to Sayaka's lack of confidence in herself. Hitomi just smiles ruefully and shakes her head, bowing her head. "You never knew?"

Kyousuke shrugs uncomfortably, looking away. "I don't know. No. Well…" he hesitates. "I suspected, a little bit. But I told myself that that couldn't be it."

Hitomi wets her dry lips. _Alright. He knows now. So how does he feel about her?_ Her hands shake. _Do I want to know? I think he's avoiding the question. …Yes, I want to know. I need to know. That's the whole point of this, isn't it?_ "So… Um… Do you… Do you like Sayaka-san?" she asks lamely.

"No," Kyousuke replies, so immediately that Hitomi looks away and an expression of chagrined embarrassment comes over his face. "I… like her as a friend," he explains. "But just a friend.

"You know, at first, when I was in the hospital, I was grateful for her visits. But as time went on, she started visiting more and more. She'd stay longer than you or Madoka did." Hitomi bites her lip; the fact that she couldn't visit Kyousuke all that often thanks to her classes is still very much a matter of shame to her. Kyousuke doesn't seem to notice. "She would actually stay longer than my parents would when they visited. A couple of times she stayed all night long, even when I told her she should go home. It was getting…" He struggles for an appropriate word "… _creepy_. It made me uncomfortable."

_But she was just trying to make sure you weren't alone._

His face darkens. "And the way she'd act like nothing was wrong, always bringing those CDs…"

"She was just trying to make you feel better," Hitomi retorts, feeling indignant color rise in her cheeks. At times like this, she almost wishes she hadn't been raised not to never be anything but polite. Raising her voice would be useful at a time like this.

"It didn't work," he responds bluntly. Hitomi shoots a withering look at him and he laughs softly, moving quickly to placate her. "I know she meant well. But I'm just amazed she could be so oblivious as to why it would upset me."

 _You're one to talk._ Hitomi still stares at him with hard eyes, and he smiles gently. "You're really protective of her, aren't you?"

"She's my best friend," Hitomi says stiffly. "I don't want her to get hurt."

 _Funny way to go about doing that, don't you think?_ a malicious little voice whispers to her. _Don't you think that telling her that you'd spill the beans to her crush hurt, just a little bit?_ I _think it would hurt a lot, knowing that your best friend has so little respect for your feelings that she's just going to tell your crush how you feel, whether you like it or not._

 _Hush._ Hitomi banishes the voice into oblivion, trying to quell the pangs of her conscience.

Awkward silence looms over the pair again. _Well, what do I do now?_ Hitomi tucks a lock of her wavy hair behind her ear. She's told Kyousuke how Sayaka feels about him. He's said that he's not interested. _So what do I do?_

Part of her, the impulsive part of Hitomi that no amount of classes on how to be a proper lady will ever be able to eradicate, would like very much to confess to Kyousuke right here, right now. To get it all out in the open. _He doesn't have a crush on Sayaka. Maybe…_

 _No._ Hitomi vetoes the notion. Anyone can see how much in bad taste something like that would be. She gets an image of herself in her mind as a scavenger, preying on the scraps left behind by those unfortunate, and winces. No. She'll just have to wait, or stew, or, _if_ Kyousuke likes her, for him to make the first move.

Having done what she set out to do, Hitomi's not sure what to do next. Confessing on her own behalf is definitely not a viable option. So what now?

Fortunately, Kyousuke seems to have an answer.

"Look. If I started dating Sayaka, it would just feel like an obligation. Neither of us would be happy. So why don't you tell her, from me, that she's a valued friend?"

Hitomi smiles her gentle smile. "I will." _I'm sure she would have preferred to be considered more than that. I know I do. But she'll have to be happy with 'friend.' His feelings won't just change overnight, if they do at all._

He looks at her shyly, eyes veiled; Hitomi finds herself blushing again, wondering at the fact that she's never seen such a look on his face before. "Ah, Shizuki-san? Why don't we start back towards home?"

For a moment, she's startled, blinking at him with her wide green eyes. Then it sinks in. He still wants to walk with her, after all of this. Another smile grows over her face, shyer than the last. "Okay."

Now, finally, the din in her skull has stopped. Hitomi has her answer, and, though she knows that there will be only more difficulty ahead in relaying Kyousuke's message to Sayaka, she finally feels somewhat happy with herself again.

What she doesn't know, was that someone was watching her and Kyousuke the whole time, just out of sight, unable to hear anything they said over the rushing water.


	3. hapless souls

All told, Hitomi comes away from her talk with Kyousuke feeling far more cheerful than she has in weeks. A weight has lifted off her shoulders, and she can head home, she and Kyousuke parting company in front of his house, smiling so widely that her jaw starts to ache.

There's just one problem, though.

_How to tell Sayaka-san?_

Obviously, this isn't the sort of thing you talk about over the phone. _How on Earth would I tell her anyway? No, this is something you tell someone face to face. It's too important to be left up to a telephone._

That said, Hitomi supposes she could have gone over to Sayaka's apartment to speak with her in person. _I suppose that's the more humane way of doing things, having the courage to at least say it to her face._ But she discards that notion as well. Hitomi does, after all, have tea lessons tonight at seven, and they tend to run so long that there wouldn't be time afterwards for her to go Sayaka; Sayaka would probably be asleep by then. And really, what sort of environment would that be for talking in? The setting's so personal that they would both only feel uncomfortable, and Sayaka would feel trapped.

( _Or maybe she's just trying to put it off for the sake of her own comfort.)_

No. Sayaka will be back at school tomorrow morning, Hitomi's sure. No matter what the adverse situation, Sayaka always manages to bounce back. She's sure her friend will be upset at first—who wouldn't be? But eventually, she'll be able to accept having Kyousuke as a friend instead of a boyfriend. Even as upset as she'll be, Sayaka must understand that having a friend is better than having nothing at all.

Won't she?

-0-0-0-

"Madoka-san, you look so pale this morning." Hitomi glances over at her friend, whose eyes are fixed firmly on the ground. For some reason, this simple act makes her feel rather small and unimportant. Suddenly, Hitomi is aware of every breath of wind blowing across her skin, and feels, almost… uneasy. "…Are you alright?" she ventures hesitantly.

"Mm-hmm. It's just that I didn't sleep enough." Madoka nods her assent without ever looking at her, and they continue on in silence. Hitomi looks away.

When she went to the place she, Madoka and Sayaka usually would meet up on their way to school, only Madoka was there, looking pale and pinched as though she hadn't slept at all the night before, her downcast eyes oddly bloodshot. She had sat on the bench, fingernails digging into the strips of bare flesh between her socks and the hem of her skirt, and had only noticed Hitomi when the latter tapped her gently on the shoulder.

Madoka hadn't explained Sayaka's absence then, and Hitomi hadn't asked. Instead, they started off to school without her. Sayaka could be running late, or it could be that she'd gone off to school early and was already there. Or maybe, Hitomi acknowledged, maybe she was avoiding trying to have to walk to school with her. _I suppose that's only fair,_ she acknowledged, wincing a little. _It's only fair that she wouldn't want to see me, the girl who she feels like stole her chance to confess to Kamijou-kun._

While Madoka had said nothing about Sayaka, Hitomi gets the feeling that maybe she knows. She doesn't know where this feeling comes from or what she bases it on. Maybe it's the whispering of secrets that tremble about her friend's usually open, honest eyes.

Either way, it can't hurt to ask.

"And… And Sayaka-san is staying home today too?" Hitomi's tone is deliberately light—she hopes that maybe Madoka will tell her what's happened, if Sayaka's going to be at school or if she's still at home. "Should I go visit her later?" She hesitates, some of the forced cheer vanishing from her voice. Now, like Madoka, Hitomi finds herself staring down at the cobblestone as well. "But… would that really be alright?" she half-whispers. "I'm not sure, but I don't think we're on good terms right now."

Suddenly, Madoka looks at her, and Hitomi is taken aback to see the frustration in her face. "Hitomi-chan, you know…"

Then, she stops. She looks around as though searching for someone she can't see, already wan face paling even further, and Hitomi stops in her tracks, staring at her. This goes on for nearly half a minute, Madoka's eyes finally settling on the top of a skyscraper overlooking the walkway. _What on Earth?_

"Madoka-san?" she asks, confused.

Madoka turns her back to her. "Hitomi-chan, sorry… I have to go." With that, she runs off back the way they came.

Hitomi can only stare at her in consternation, wondering what that was all about.

-0-0-0-

Now there are two empty desks at school, Madoka's and Sayaka's both; Sayaka hasn't come to school today either. The class goes on as it normally would without them (except for the moment when Homura just gets up and leaves in the middle of the lesson without any explanation); it's as though Madoka and Sayaka don't exist in the eyes of the other students.

Hitomi tries to catch Kyousuke's eye, but to no avail; he's too busy taking notes. She wonders if he's seen Sayaka today; maybe Sayaka tried to talk to him sometime between Hitomi and Kyousuke's talk and the beginning of school. But he gives no sign of having seen her. Kyousuke is untroubled, actually smiling as he takes his notes. Hitomi doesn't think he's seen her.

So that leaves her to wonder, and have as much of a hard time concentrating on the lesson today as she did yesterday. _Why didn't Sayaka-san come to school today, either? Is she really that upset? But she didn't call in "sick" today. Is she even at home either?_

She can't really hear Kazuko-sensei's lesson anymore. Instead, Hitomi stares down at her desk, seeing but not really comprehending the sheets of notebook paper covered in her handwriting.

 _I didn't think she'd get so upset that she'd stay away from school for two days. I mean, I knew she liked Kamijou-kun, liked him a lot, but I didn't think she liked him_ so _much that she'd be this upset when I told her I was going to spill the beans. And I knew she was afraid of rejection…_

_I guess I just didn't realize how afraid._

Despite it probably being inappropriate, despite the fact that they can't be on good terms right now, and despite the fact that Sayaka almost certainly doesn't want to see her, Hitomi resolves to go visit her after school today. _I had wanted to break the news to her in person anyways. Maybe this way is better after all._

But, as it turns out, Sayaka isn't at her apartment either.

" _Miki-san? It's Hitomi. I was wondering if I could speak with Sayaka-san."_

" _She's not here. I've spoken to Madoka; she hasn't seen her. I was hoping she was with you, and had just forgotten to call."_

" _Umm… no, I'm sorry, I haven't seen her… How long has she been gone?"_

" _Two days now. If you see her, will you tell her to come home? We're really worried."_

" _I… I will. Thank you, Miki-san."_

Hitomi comes away from her talk with Sayaka's mother feeling only more deeply confused than ever, and now worried as well. Sayaka hasn't been home in two days; her parents have probably called the police by now. She hasn't told her parents where she is; it appears that she hasn't even contacted Madoka, whom al would agree is her closest friend. No one knows where she is.

 _This can't be because of what happened between us,_ Hitomi assures herself. All the while, her stomach churns as she starts towards home. _Sayaka-san wouldn't run away from home. She's probably staying over with a friend and forgot to call her parents._ But Sayaka doesn't have that many close friends. _That has to be it. She'll be at school tomorrow, and everything will be fine._

But she's not. And not for all the days after that.


	4. Crumbling Around Me

Her picture is surrounded by an abundance of flowers whose colors spring forth like a rainbow emitting from the glass of the picture frame. No one's paying much attention to the skill of the arrangement, nor the sheer volume of flowers at the bier, nor even the sweet fragrance that saturates the room.

The skies are dark gray and the streets turned into rivers. The whole room is flooded with a dim, gray light, dappled by the water beads on the windows. The dead girl's mother weeps; all the others are deathly silent.

They are, these silent mourners, of one mind on one thing at least. She was too young to die.

All of the dead girl's classmates have turned out to visit the wake; most stand, as there are not enough chairs for them all, but some sit, having been members of families that were invited to the wake. One of these classmates in particular sits between her parents, in the very middle of the middle row. She doesn't look ahead as her parents do; instead, she stares down at the two small hands with their neatly clipped fingernails, which are folded neatly in her lap. She hasn't looked up the whole time.

Hitomi has always been coached not to cry in public. It's undignified, she's been told. To cry and make a spectacle of herself in public would be to betray her age and reveal her immaturity to all who behold it. Besides, she just doesn't look very _pretty_ when she cries, or so she is told; frankly, by the time Hitomi's to the point of crying, she doesn't care what she looks like anymore.

Maybe that's why she isn't crying, because of all the social norms that tell her she can't. Or maybe, maybe the reason her face is dry and her eyes not brimming with tears has something to do with the icy numbness that's stolen through every inch of her body. Her bones are made of lead, her blood has turned to ice, and she barely notices her mother's hand on her shoulder as the crowd starts to break up and it's time for them to go.

"Hitomi?" her mother half-whispers, far close and gentler than her usual kind but distant self. "It's time to come home." She keeps her hands wrapped about Hitomi's shoulders as Hitomi gets up from her chair, still staring steadfastly down. "Hitomi… Are you alright?"

 _That seems such a stupid thing to ask_. Hitomi keeps her mouth clenched shut to keep from saying something rude, and simply nods. She follows her parents out to the car, staying under the umbrella with her mother.

_Sayaka-san…_

_Why did this happen?_

A maid at the hotel was doing her rounds when she found her. Imagine, a young member of the cleaning staff, new to her job, was just minding her business when she came into the room and found someone there where she shouldn't have been, lying spread-eagle on the bed. She tried to wake the girl, going over to shake her shoulder. _Hey, you're not supposed to be in here. Listen, I won't tell anyone, but you really need to go now._ She only realized after a few moments of shaking that the girl was cold and stiff, and it took a few more moments after that for her to realize what that meant. The maid fled from the room screaming.

The police don't know how to handle it. Sayaka was missing for days and turned up dead in a place she absolutely should not have been, but there was nothing about the state of her body that suggested that she had died of anything but natural causes. Nothing to suggest that she hadn't dropped dead out of a clear blue sky.

And there is no reassurance for Hitomi, none at all.

The rain splatters on the window as her father drives them home. A journey that would have taken fifteen minutes in good weather now takes half an hour in bed (and that's if the traffic's good), and Hitomi can't escape her thoughts in the murky silence broken only by raindrops pitter-pattering on the roof of the car.

_Why did this happen now? Things seemed so good a few days ago._

Logically, she knows she didn't do anything. Logically, she knows it wasn't her fault that Sayaka's dead. But Hitomi can't shake off a gray feeling of guilt that's settled over her head and shoulders as a substitute for a pall. From the frozen numbness in her heart has arisen a bitter, corrosive feeling fit to eat her heart away.

The last time they ever spoke, Sayaka had nearly cried. Hitomi had meant well, had only wanted the best, but Sayaka wouldn't have seen it that way. Sayaka would have seen Hitomi forcing a choice on her with one hand and threatening to take that choice out of her hands with another. It's like pushing someone into the deep end of the pool to try to teach them how to swim; no matter how well-intentioned the pusher is, it's still a cruel thing to do.

 _We never reconciled. She might have gone to her grave with bad thoughts of me in her heart. She might have never forgiven me for what happened between us…_ Hitomi squeezes her eyes shut and swallows hard, but that lump in her throat, growing hotter and harder with each moment, does not go away.

Her best friend is dead. She'll never see Sayaka again, never walk to school with her again nor eat lunch with her again. She'll never hear Sayaka's voice again, outraged or buoyant or sad. She feels as though a great chunk of her heart has been carved out and lost with Sayaka, gone beyond all recall and still causing Hitomi pain an eternity after it's gone.

Suddenly, she wishes for things that never were. Hitomi wishes that she and Sayaka had spoken more often. She wishes she had skived off her after-school lessons just once, so she could have gone somewhere with Sayaka and Madoka, just have been with them—and who knows the difference that might have made? She wishes she hadn't tried to force Sayaka to tell Kyousuke how she felt. Maybe if she hadn't, Sayaka wouldn't have run away. Maybe if she hadn't, Sayaka wouldn't…

_No! It can't have been because of that! Sayaka-san wouldn't have… Not over something like that… I-I can't believe that she would have done something like that. I just can't._

_If she did, I…_

_I don't know what I'll do._

For now, all Hitomi can tell herself is that the police are saying (so publicly that it was actually on the radio this morning) that there's nothing about Sayaka that suggests anything resembling foul play. She tells herself that, and guilt still boils in her stomach for the things she can't change now, but could have when there was still time, but didn't. She tells herself that it wasn't her fault, and she still feels as though she'll be swallowed by her own regret.

When they get home, Hitomi doesn't notice the car coming to a halt. Her father opens the door to find tears dripping down her face, and her eyes dull as stones that have lost their sheen.


	5. if the silence takes you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This and the next chapter take place in the reset universe. Thus, certain details have changed; don't get worried that I can't keep track of the continuity of my own story.

The police called off the search a week ago. Her parents don't really seem to think she's gone, but three days ago they held a funeral for Sayaka anyways, trying to feel some sort of closure and failing miserably. _No,_ Hitomi corrects herself, shaking her head. _Not a funeral. Why do I keep thinking that it was a funeral? It was a wake. There… There was no body. They held a wake._

Her parents don't think she's gone…

_I don't know what to think. I'm not brave enough to be as optimistic as Sayaka-san's parents, but I don't want to believe she's dead. I don't._

Hitomi's lungs are filled with the fresh, almost shockingly clear air of a world cooled by rain. The trees are dripping water, the white-and-pink azaleas and powder blue hydrangeas laden down with glistening water beads. She had drawn her umbrella for her and her companion, but then, the rains had stopped and the gray curtain of the skies pulled back to reveal a dazzling azure backdrop instead. Hitomi carries her umbrella at her side, feeling the cool wind blow wisps of her hair across her cheeks.

"So you think you might have to go back to being home-schooled?" she asks Kyousuke suddenly, turning to look at him.

He nods. "Yeah, maybe. I'm still in physical therapy. I really want to stay in school, but it's taking up a lot of my time and it might be easier to just get a tutor." Hitomi can't fail to notice what he doesn't mention: his slow, labored pace and the strained look that he unknowingly betrays every once in a while. But she doesn't mention it, and neither does he.

Though Kyousuke's arm miraculously healed a couple of weeks ago, allowing him to play his beloved violin again, the same can not be said for his legs. Kyousuke has recently graduated from using crutches to using a cane to aid him in walking. Hitomi can see in every bitter glance he throws it when he thinks no one's looking that he doesn't like it. He thinks canes are the trappings of old men and cripples, and resents his own weakness that makes him need it.

_He thinks people will see him as less than human if he can't walk unaided. He thinks he'll be discounted, or seen as useless. He's afraid that his parents will view him as a burden; I think he already does think that way. He doesn't want anyone to think that he's worthless because he's not completely able-bodied._

_Kamijou-kun…_

_How could anyone ever think that of you?_

Hitomi bites her lip. She's also seen him throw glances at the empty space beside them. Said empty space has a life of its own, looming over them both—the elephant on the sidewalk. Eventually, Hitomi can deny its existence no longer.

"Kamijou-kun?" she asks, in a faint, slightly quavering voice. "About Sayaka-san…"

He immediately stiffens, eyes glazing over. Hitomi watches Kyousuke lick his lips, a spasm passing over his face. "What about her?" A staccato note that Hitomi can't identify makes the pitch of his voice seesaw.

"Do… Do you suppose… that maybe Sayaka-san's still alive?" Hitomi's voice is so small that it ought not to rise above the surface of silence, but somehow it does anyway.

Kyousuke doesn't answer her for a long time. His silence makes his own struggle with this question painfully manifest. As much as Hitomi loathes seeing him suffer, secretly she's glad that she's not alone—and promptly feels ashamed of herself for being glad. "I don't know," he replies shortly, keeping up a slightly brusque front to keep from exposing his true feelings on the matter. "I want her to be. But I don't think Sayaka would run away. And I don't think she'd scare her parents her like this."

Hitomi nods, struggling to swallow on the lump in her throat as she often finds herself doing these days. Her eyes begin to sting. "I thought that too," she remarks softly, staring downwards and fiddling with her sleeve cuff. "But…" Her breath catches in her throat and Hitomi gives a vaguely hysterical giggle that couldn't describe her feelings less. "…But I just don't want to believe she's dead. I'm so confused, you know; I don't want to believe she'd abandon us like that, but I keep thinking… that she's… that's she's just going to come walking up to us…" She swallows again, but her voice has already broken, and the words are raw and thick "…like nothing's happened."

Unable to restrain herself any longer, Hitomi starts to cry, quivering lips smashed together to keep sobs from escaping her mouth. She keeps rubbing her cheeks, trying to keep the tears from sight. A howl builds up in her lungs.

 _What must he think of me?_ she wonders absurdly. _He must think I'm some crazy girl, to start crying like this in public, right in front of him._

But Kyousuke says nothing. He keeps his eyes away from Hitomi's face, giving her some measure of privacy where she ought to have none, and Hitomi is grateful.

All the while, Hitomi feels as though she's betraying Sayaka somehow. Kyousuke made it clear that he didn't want to be anything but friends with Sayaka, but still, Hitomi feels as though Sayaka should be the one walking home with him right now—after all, Kyousuke was hardly ever able to walk home with them even before the accident, and Sayaka had so looked forward to being able to do so. At any rate, she shouldn't be walking home with him, alone, so soon after having gone out of her way to gauge Kyousuke's feelings for Sayaka. _I feel like a vulture. A big, green vulture._

Nothing more is said until they arrive at the gate to Kyousuke's house. Before he goes inside, Kyousuke turns and faces Hitomi. "Thanks for walking home with me." He looks away, before apparently steeling his nerve to say something more. "Listen… The orchestra's got a concert on Friday night at seven; I've got a solo piece, 'Ave Maria'. The musicians are allowed to invite a friend." He squares his jaw. "I was wondering if you'd like to come?"

For a moment, Hitomi stares at him, struggling to digest his words.

Then, she summons a weak smile.

"I'd love to."


	6. somber melody of morbid irony

The concert hall's a bit chilly; Hitomi occasionally devotes a moment's thought to wishing she had brought a sweater to wear over her dress, but sheds these thoughts from her mind. She'll be perfectly fine, and if she keeps having thoughts like this, she won't be able to enjoy the music.

The seats have all been filled with teachers, parents and judges; Hitomi's been relegated to the backstage. Kyousuke tried to apologize ( _"Sorry; I didn't think so many people would show up."_ ) but Hitomi dismissed his worries with a gentle smile and the reassurance that she didn't mind. Even if she did, she wouldn't have told him so, for fear of robbing him of his confidence.

Hitomi stands at the far end of the stage, watching from among the curtains at the point where the musicians file in and out. First is the orchestra as a whole, the violinists, the violists, the cellists and even a couple of bassists, performing pieces that Hitomi doesn't recognize but thinks are lovely. _I wish I knew what they were playing; I'd probably appreciate it a lot more if I did. Oh well. They're still lovely to listen to._

Her green eyes search out Kyousuke among the orchestra. He is the only violinist sitting down; normally, only the cellists and the bassists would be allowed to sit, since their instruments are too bulky to comfortably be played standing. However, given the circumstances, the school felt that an exception needed to be made. Hitomi is holding on to Kyousuke's cane for him. At first, Kyousuke was a little irritated that they were treating him differently from the rest, but eventually started bothering him in earnest again, he relented and consented to play sitting down.

Eventually, the orchestra finishes their playing. A few minutes are devoted to removing all the chairs save one, a chair directly in front of the judges in the front row, and the musicians all file back behind the curtains. Kyousuke approaches Hitomi, his limp all too evident.

"Thanks," he mutters as she hands him back his cane. Kyousuke doesn't look too happy at the prospect of being bound to the cane again, but he manages a smile for her.

The first soloist is called forward.

"Which one are you?" Hitomi whispers to Kyousuke.

"Number four," he replies.

"My name is Asano Haruki," the first soloist introduces himself, "and I will be performing an excerpt of Beethoven's Violin Sonata No. 9."

He plays his piece, which lasts about five minutes, an intense bout of music that Hitomi can't help but think must be very demanding for a middle schooler. After Haruki's finished, he bows to the audience, and walks back offstage, exchanging a nod with Kyousuke as he goes.

Number two, a violist, steps forward.

As the boy plays, Hitomi spares a glance for Kyousuke. His turn will come soon. She knows Kyousuke's confident in his ability to play, but he must be nervous. After all, this is the first time he'll have played a solo piece for an audience since the accident.

And she still feels as though this isn't her place. Hitomi still feels as though the place in which she now stands, waiting with Kyousuke for his turn, belongs to another. _Sayaka-san had wanted to watch him play so badly._

_No, don't think of that._

Hitomi shuts her eyes, and tells herself not to feel guilty, for just one night.

Number three, a girl with a cello, is called forward.

"My name is Fujiwara Takara, and I will be performing Bach's _Prelude_." Taking a seat in the only chair still on the stage, she launches into an upbeat piece.

"She's the only cellist doing a solo tonight," Kyousuke mutters in Hitomi's ear.

"Oh."

As the girl plays, Hitomi sees Kyousuke stiffen. His face looks just a touch… _stretched._ She catches his eye, and smiles reassuringly. Kyousuke manages a weak smile.

Takara walks off the stage, and hisses "Good luck!" at Kyousuke as she goes back with the other musicians.

Kyousuke sucks in a deep breath, his face pale and his eyes almost feverishly bright. He doesn't move, seems to be steeling himself for something. _I wonder what he's thinking. He couldn't possibly be thinking of not performing. Kamijou-kun wouldn't back out now. So why does he have that look on his face as though he's trying to convince himself to do something?_

"Will Number Four please come on to the stage?" one of the judges calls.

He nods firmly to himself, a resolute look coming over his face, and holds his cane out to Hitomi. "Will you hold on to this for me again, Shizuki-san?"

Hitomi stares at him. "Kamijou-kun…" Going without his cane when there are plenty of people on the stage to help him if he needs it is one thing, but going without when he'll be alone…

Kyousuke fixes her with a determined look. "Please."

She nods silently, and accepts the outstretched cane. _If you're determined, who am I to say no?_

Kyousuke steps out into the light of the stage. Slowly, painstakingly, the damage done by his injuries apparent in every step, he comes to the center of the stage. "My name is Kamijou Kyousuke," he introduces himself, so evenly that one can barely tell that he struggled with every step to get to that place, "and I will be performing _Ave Maria_."

He lifts his violin to his shoulder and, scorning the chair behind him, begins to play.

Standing in the shadows, Hitomi thinks it's the most beautiful thing she's ever heard.

She just wishes Sayaka could hear it too.


End file.
